I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
