he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
