I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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