Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
