I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
