Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
