Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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