I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize