I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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