I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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