My hand turned me down
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
