Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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