Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
