I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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