Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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