The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
