is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
