I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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