It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
