Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
