you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
