someone get that fucking seahorse.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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