Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
