Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
