maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
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My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
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trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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