I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
