Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
