Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
