piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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