Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
