Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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