If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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