Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
