I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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