What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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