seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
