I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
