Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
