Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
