Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
we're so committed to being not committed
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
