6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
