Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
