so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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