Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
