the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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