dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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