You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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