All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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