I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize