I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
