This dress was meant to end up on your floor
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
