i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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