forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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