Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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