how hairy? two words: wookie tits
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Even my vagina gasped.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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