I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
