Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
