just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
