omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
