i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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