pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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