I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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