so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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